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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481252">The Nothing I've Become</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericanWolf/pseuds/AmericanWolf'>AmericanWolf</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,734</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericanWolf/pseuds/AmericanWolf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>1789 - New York City<br/>Thomas Jefferson has just arrived after receiving a dispatch stating he is to be the the Secretary of State. When he arrives however, he comes face to face with none other than Alexander Hamilton.<br/>But what everyone doesn't know is why Thomas Jefferson REALLY spent the entire war in France. And what happened at Monticello right before he left the country...and that it was not his choice to do so.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Mr. Jefferson Welcome Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Trigger Warning: Grief and personal loss</p><p>Author Note: I am going to adjust the timeline of what happened in real life to fit this narrative. Basically, Jefferson went to France at the start of the war and came back in 1789. In real life, he actually was the Governor of Virginia throughout the war.</p><p>
  <strong>New York City, 1789</strong>
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</p><p>Thomas Jefferson smiled a little to himself as he walked up the steps to Federal Hall. He had just arrived back from France a few short weeks ago and received a dispatch that George Washington himself had appointed him to be his Secretary of State. And after all the hell Jefferson had been through these last few years, this unexpected appointment gave him something he had not felt in quite some time: hope.</p><p>
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</p><p>He opened the doors to the large building and blinked quickly, forcing his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Secretary Jefferson,” announced a very tall man near the center of the expansive room. He turned to face him, hand extended. “Pleased you were able to make the journey on such short notice.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Jefferson gave the man a tight-lipped smile and shook his hand. “Of course, Mr. President. It is quite an honor to be a part of the cabinet of our new great nation.”</p><p>
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</p><p>George Washington eyed Jefferson, a bit of tension causing the momentary pause in conversation to feel strained. “Ah, indeed…”</p><p>
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</p><p>“Thomas Jefferson?”</p><p>
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</p><p>Jefferson peered around Washington to see a much smaller man walking quickly toward them, his eyes wide and excited as he practically pushed Washington aside to shake Jefferson’s hand. Jefferson took a step back, eyebrow raised as he glanced between the short man and Washington. He noticed Washington was smirking at the man in an amused, kind way and Jefferson felt a twinge of annoyance. He pulled his hand out of the other man’s energetic grasp and leaned back.</p><p>
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</p><p>“And who are you?”</p><p>
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</p><p>The smaller man did not miss a beat. “I’m Alexander Hamilton, Secretary Treasury. I have heard so much about you, Secretary Jefferson. I look forward to working together. It is an honor, to be sure.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Jefferson could not help but be swayed by the man’s charm and excitement. But that doting gleam and kindly smile on Washington’s face as he gazed down at Hamilton made something in Jefferson’s heart clench painfully. Memories of what had transpired shortly before he was sent to France made him cringe and he quickly shook his head to scatter the thoughts. There would be plenty of time for that later.</p><p>
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</p><p>He watched as Hamilton quickly turned his attention to Washington and the two men lost themselves in conversation. Jefferson frowned at how quickly the dynamics had changed during these last few years. He should have expected this, after all, he was gone for the entire war. These men had fought together, lost comrades, nearly died for the cause of liberty…while he was in France. Jefferson forced the disgusted sneer of his face and relaxed his face, a technique he had perfected while he was away. He would hide away the pain, the anger, and the secrets from the everyone. Well, almost everyone. There was only one man who knew everything.</p><p>
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  <em>Jefferson paced anxiously back and forth outside the room, his arms wrapped around himself so tight that it hurt. He glanced at the men in the hall with him. All of their faces were strained and full of concern as they watched him walk by yet again.</em>
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  <em>The sound of a woman screaming shrilling from the room nearly brought Jefferson to his knees. Oh, his poor Martha. He wished to God he could take the pain for her. She had been in labor for nearly an entire day now and it felt as if the torment would never stop. He hated the very notion of Martha in pain, and this…this was something he was entirely powerless to stop.</em>
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  <em>Several more minutes ticked by slowly on the clock in the hallway before the door opened and the doctor stuck his head out. Jefferson nearly bowled the man over in his haste.</em>
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  <em>The doctor frowned. “You best come see her now, Mr. Jefferson. I am afraid there is not much more I can do.”</em>
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  <em>Jefferson felt his knees buckle and a strangled sound escaped his lips as he stumbled passed the doctor and into the room. He raced toward the bed where Martha lay, her face pale and her eye-lids half closed from exhaustion.</em>
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  <em>“Martha!” Jefferson choked as he stroked her face, staring at her desperately. “Martha, my darling, it’s alright…”</em>
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  <em>The sound of a baby’s shrill cry startled Jefferson for a moment. He turned his head and saw two women anxiously huddled over a small bed, working quickly to clean the baby.</em>
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  <em>“My love, you did it,” Jefferson said, turning his attention back to his wife. He smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear. “It’s over now. You did it!”</em>
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  <em>“Thomas,” Martha breathed out weakly, her eyes struggling to stay open. “Thomas…I am so sorry…that I won’t be there to help you…”</em>
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  <em>Jefferson felt his heart plummet into his stomach. “What? No, Martha it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s alright, it’s done! You did it!” he said quickly, his voice sounding more and more desperate as he tried to convince himself this was not happening.</em>
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  <em>Martha smiled and weakly reached out a hand and laid it atop Jefferson’s. “Be brave, my love. Our daughter needs you now. I love you.”</em>
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  <em>Jefferson felt the room begin to spin and he closed his eyes for a moment, willing himself to not panic. “Martha…” he groaned weakly as he watched her eyes flutter shut. “Martha…I love you…”</em>
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  <em>As Martha breathed her last, the ladies huddled over the smaller bed turned around, their eyes full of tears as they gazed over at the grieving widower. They looked at one another, each silently asking the other…</em>
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  <em>Who was going to tell him his daughter had not survived?</em>
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</p><p>Jefferson woke up with a gasp, his chest heaving and his entire body covered in sweat. He squeezed his eyes shut tight against the wave of pain as the horrible memories assaulted him. He had not had that nightmare in quite some time.</p><p>
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</p><p>As he fought to regain his composure, Jefferson realized it must have been seeing Washington again that had triggered the onslaught. He curled up into a ball as the memories of what happened after that day began to race through his mind. He tried to ward them off, but they came one after another, each one more painful than the last, until he was sobbing into the pillow of his small New York townhouse.</p><p>
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</p><p>He fought to regain control and sat up slowly in the bed. He looked around the small house and frowned. Jefferson would give anything to be back in Monticello, away from here, away from Washington, and away from that Alexander Hamilton that the President seemed so terribly fond of. When Jefferson had received the letter that stated he was to be Secretary of State he had hoped that perhaps a reconciliation with Washington was in order. But so far, within the first twenty-four hours of arriving in town, Washington had barely noticed his presence. Aside from the brief greeting at Federal Hall, Washington not spoken to him. But everywhere Jefferson turned, Hamilton was there by Washington’s side.</p><p>
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</p><p>Jefferson sneered in frustration. Alexander Hamilton. From what he had gathered so far, the man was an immigrant from the West Indies. He had arrived in New York just before the war, joined the Revolution, and made a name for himself there as one of Washington’s aides. Not just one of Washington’s aides either…his chief aide.</p><p>
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</p><p>How the hell some immigrant orphan had managed to weasel his way into Washington’s inner-circle when Jefferson, a Virginian of significant consequence, had been so easily cast aside. A wave of jealously and hurt made Jefferson feel sick to his stomach. He laid back down and pulled the covers over his head, determined to push all of these dark thoughts from his mind. But one image kept creeping back up no matter how hard he tried to force it out:</p><p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Cabinet Battle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hamilton vs Jefferson: Round 1</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jefferson glared at the smaller man as he raged just a few short feet away from him. They had been debating on the Congress floor for the past three hours and had made absolutely no headway. Most of which, Jefferson concluded, was due to Hamilton’s inability to see reason.</p>
<p>“If the government assume the debt, Secretary Jefferson,” Hamilton said through clenched teeth, “Then the entirety of our new nation will be able to recover from the war we fought while you were in France.”</p>
<p>Jefferson felt his lip curl up into a sneer and forced himself to resume his mask of indifference. Instead of expressing the rage boiling in his head, he stared at Hamilton coolly through half-closed eyes, as if he were barely even annoyed by the pathetic fool.</p>
<p>“Secretary Hamilton,” he drawled in his Virginian accent. “Did you not just fight for the ideas of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness? Your plan to have the government assume state’s debts cripples the south. It is not our fault if New York is in debt. That is for New York to deal with.”</p>
<p>Hamilton sneered openly at Jefferson. “And Virginia isn’t in debt because you have your slaves do all the labor for you!”</p>
<p>Jefferson’s calm demeanor slipped and rage darkened his expression as he stalked toward Hamilton. “What the hell did you just say to me?”</p>
<p>“Gentlemen!” shouted Washington, quickly standing up and stepping between them. “I do believe that is enough. We’ll take a short recess to cool off.”</p>
<p>Jefferson was trembling with anger as he and Hamilton glared at one another over Washington’s outstretched arms. Jefferson nodded curtly to Washington and turned away sharply, his frustration mounting as he stalked out of the room.</p>
<p>He bee-lined it for his office and slammed the door shut, shaking the portraits on the wall. He cursed Alexander Hamilton to the heavens and tossed some papers off his desk in a fit of rage.</p>
<p>That damned immigrant. How dare he accuse him of owning slaves? He knew nothing…he just assumed.</p>
<p>An ugly memory wormed its way into Jefferson’s mind and he cringed. His father owned slaves: hundreds of them. When he was a young boy, Jefferson witnessed a horrific event that forever changed the way he viewed slavery and he vowed to never own them himself. After his father died, Jefferson worked tirelessly with the help of his uncle and a few close relatives to get Monticello’s finances in order. Once he was able to do so, he ordered the slaves to be emancipated and hired white servants in their stead. He would never be like his father. The thought alone sent another shudder down his spine.</p>
<p>A loud knock on the door rattled Jefferson from his dark thoughts. He signed in resignation and walked toward the large oak door, opening it slowly. “Yes, what is—”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t done with you.”</p>
<p>“You have got to be kidding me,” muttered Jefferson as Hamilton barged passed him and into his office. “Well, Hamilton please do make yourself at home,” he said, his voice thick with sarcasm.</p>
<p>“You have some nerve not allowing the south to play their part in paying the debt for the war,” snarled Hamilton, stalking back and forth in front of Jefferson’s desk as he gesticulated wildly with his hands. “Your slaves are the only reason your state isn’t in debt! So you should have plenty of money to be able to assist in rectifying the—”</p>
<p>“I do not have slaves, Hamilton,” Jefferson seethed, his eyes narrowed as he tracked Hamilton’s movements.</p>
<p>Hamilton laughed loudly. “Oh, please Jefferson you own one of the largest plantations in Virginia, don’t even bother lying about your enslaved workforce.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare presume to know who I am,” Jefferson replied, his voice low and threatening.</p>
<p>The distinct change in tone gave Hamilton pause. He stopped pacing for a moment and studied Jefferson. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I mean, you should not presume to know things about someone whom you’ve had limited interaction with,” Jefferson said as calmly as he could manage. He leaned on his cane, his grip tightening on it as he spoke. “I have not owned slaves since I was a boy. Virginia is free of her debt because we handle our money significantly better than your precious New York.”</p>
<p>Hamilton glared. “If you don’t own slaves, how the hell does your plantation function?”</p>
<p>Jefferson smiled coldly. “I have many hired white servants, Hamilton. You’re welcome to visit sometime and see for yourself. Now, was there anything else you wished to discuss, or might I go back to enjoying my peace and quiet?”</p>
<p>Hamilton stared at Jefferson a moment longer. He tilted his head, curious. “Why don’t you have slaves when every single other plantation in all of America does?”</p>
<p>“Why do you care so much about my home?”</p>
<p>“Why do you avoid every question with another question?”</p>
<p>Jefferson sighed loudly. “I don’t have slaves, Hamilton because when I was young, I witnessed and experienced for myself the horrors that befall those in bondage, and I determined to not commit the same crimes as my father. Satisfied?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean you ‘experienced’ it?” Hamilton pressed, his sharp eyes missing nothing as he carefully watched Jefferson’s face.</p>
<p>Jefferson mentally cursed himself for not being more careful with his phrasing. The immigrant was quick-witted, he’ll give him that much.</p>
<p>“My father,” he said hesitantly, clearing his throat. “My father…was a cruel man. There was a young slave boy I grew up with. I witnessed my father whip him after he stole some vegetables from the field for his family. When I tried to stop him…he whipped me as well. I bear those scars to this day.”</p>
<p>Hamilton’s eyes were wide with shock and his mouth hung open in disbelief.</p>
<p>“So you see,” Jefferson continued with a sarcastic smile, “I have my reasons for not owning slaves. Now, I would appreciate it if you would leave me to my peace.”</p>
<p>Jefferson carefully slid around Hamilton and sat down in his chair on the other side of his desk. He picked up a stack of letters and began to break the wax seals, his eyes flickering up to see if Hamilton had left yet. The immigrant was standing just where Jefferson had left him, unmoving.</p>
<p>“Hamilton,” sighed Jefferson. “Please?”</p>
<p>Hamilton turned around slowly and stared at Jefferson for a long moment. “You’re a very confusing man, you know that?”</p>
<p>Jefferson rolled his eyes and continued opening the letters. “I am not a mystery for you to unravel, Hamilton. I am your political opponent and a fellow cabinet member. I’d prefer if you kept your nose out of the rest of my life.”</p>
<p>Hamilton smirked a bit as he placed his hands on the edge of Jefferson’s desk and leaned forward. “Well, in order to defeat one’s enemy, one must first know their enemy, correct?”</p>
<p>Jefferson looked up, his face conveying his annoyance. “Then go to your office and contemplate my existence. I’m occupied, as you can see.”</p>
<p>Hamilton sighed in resignation and turned to leave the room. “Very well, Secretary Jefferson,” he said as he opened the door and glanced over his shoulder. “But you should know that once my curiosity is piqued, I’m quite relentless in the pursuit of knowledge.”</p>
<p>“Goodbye, Hamilton,” Jefferson replied without looking up from his papers, his had waving dismissively at the door.</p>
<p>He heard Hamilton chuckle to himself as the door closed. He signed and leaned back in his chair, glaring at the wall. Arrogant, annoying prick. Who the hell did he think he was? Washington’s little pet needed to find a new hobby and quick. Because Jefferson sure as hell was not interested in dodging anymore prying questions and unnecessary discussions.</p>
<p>But as the hours ticked by, Jefferson’s thoughts kept returning to the Caribbean immigrant, despite his best efforts to forget about the intrusive little man. Finally, frustrated and flustered, Jefferson grabbed his cane and his coat and headed toward the door. Tomorrow was a new day and he was determined that Hamilton would not interfere with it.</p>
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